What am I doing?
Seriously. What am I doing? I’ve had this website for over a year now the idea was to use it to set up my own business designing and selling clothing patterns. I desperately want to spend my days doing something that I’m passionate about, something that I love, something that makes me happy. I’ve got ideas and designs lined up, patterns ready to develop. So what exactly is stopping me? Why is it so hard to take the first step and put myself out there? Yes, it’s hard to find time – especially while I’m working and looking after 2 very small people, but given that we have managed to watch the entire 7 seasons of The West Wing in the last 6 months, I’m not sure anymore that lack of time is a very valid excuse.
It has to come down to fear. Fear of failure. The more research I do the more I realise that there are lots of people out there doing exactly what it is that I want to do and I suppose the question that I keep coming back to is ‘why?’ Why would anyone care what I have to say? Why would anyone choose my designs over the thousands and thousands that are already out there?’ Designs that were probably created by people with much more experience than me, with more skills and more knowledge.
I suppose the reality is that I’m afraid of failure. I’m afraid that my dream will turn out to be nothing more than a dream. It is this fear of failure, this insecurity, that keeps me from taking any significant steps, from promoting what I am trying to do. It’s ironic really. I’m afraid that I won’t succeed so I don’t try, which ensures that I won’t succeed, but at least my dream will still be there – I won’t be left with nothing. I know this is wrong but somehow I’m still bound by it. I know, or at least I tell myself that I know, that the only real failure is to not try, that even if I ‘fail’ at what I’m trying to do I will, without doubt, learn something valuable along the way. It may be that all I learn is that my dream is not possible, that it won’t work for me, maybe even that it’s not what I want to do after all. But even if that is the case, at least I will know that I have tried my hardest, that I’ve given it my best shot and there will be no regrets. I will be free from this particular dream and ready to find a new one. I know all this. I know this is what I ought to do. I know I will regret it if I don’t, but still I procrastinate. I tell myself that I want to wait until it’s all perfect, all just exactly right, before I share it with the world.
Feeling this way I am reminded of Brene Brown’s wonderful Ted talk about the power of vulnerability. If you haven’t seen (and it is well worth watching) it you can find the link here:
I love this talk. It’s like chicken soup for my soul right now. It is perfectly, exactly, what I need to focus on. I need to take a deep breath, put my insecurities aside and start doing what I love without worrying about what other people will think. I must find the courage to be my imperfect self and to believe that I am worthy none the less.
So; Here I am. This is my dream. No more excuses.