Thank goodness for 7 o'clock. There were moments today when it thought it might never arrive - not before I lost my sanity anyway. Today was not one of the better days. Today a one year old and a three year old made me cry. Not my proudest moment but there it is. Today was one of those days where I spent the entire afternoon trying to tidy up the house while the kids simultaneously tried to destroy it (and each other). Not to mention all the time I spent cooking a delicious meal for them (it actually was delicious - I should know, I was the only one who ate it!) which just met with shouts of 'YUCKY' and 'NO LIKE IT' and was thrown on the floor. And that's not to mention all the whining and nagging and throwing of toys and hitting and kicking and crying that I had to endure..
Maybe I should have just given up and turned on the TV and let them eat cheese for dinner. Maybe I should have let them go hungry and roll around in their own filth. Maybe (probably) it was all my fault, maybe (probably) I should have just stopped stressing out and gone with the flow - after all in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter if the house looks like it exploded, or if the kids threw their dinner on the floor. It would have been a much better result if i was sitting here now in the middle of a total pigsty and feeling happy, rather than sitting here feeling miserable and guilty about how grumpy I was this afternoon and how many times I shouted at them (with absolutely no effect).
Maybe today was always going to be a disaster. Maybe it's a full moon, or a new moon or whatever the hell it's supposed to be that causes usually good, sweet children to turn feral for a day.
It's just that days like these make me feel like I'm failing as a parent. They are the days that make me think 'Oh My God. What am I doing? I'm ruining my kids' lives and my own!' And as a parent that's pretty much one of the worst feelings you can have.
I know what I need to do. I need to take a deep breath and just let it all go. Forgive myself and forgive the little ones (who are, after all, just little ones.) Sounds so simple doesn't it, but somehow it's just not that easy.
I can't even think properly anymore. My brain is fuddled. I'm a shell of my former self. Sod it. I'm going to pour myself a big glass of wine and stare at the wall for a while until i feel able to function again.
At least tomorrow will be a new day.