Where we're going...

Nick and I were lucky enough to get a night away in the country last weekend.  It was wonderful to have 24 hours all to ourselves - time to relax and fall in love all over again. We ate and drank; wandered and rested and talked - we talked so much and it was such a revelation! Often it's hard to get past the day to day stuff, especially when you're constantly being interrupted by requests to 'look at me!', unanswerable questions or demands for HELP.  I was honestly amazed (and a little relieved) that we still had so much to talk about and that after 13 years of being together we were still discovering new things about each other - which is, of course, because we're both still changing and growing as people.  It was lovely to discover that we've been moving in the same direction though. That we were both feeling the need to start making more of a contribution to the world (both through larger projects and small day to day acts of kindness and mindfulness). 

As always for me it's going to take a little time before the changes start to happen - I need that time to think about things from all angles and figure out exactly what the right course is, but i'm getting there.. It's an exciting place to be - the possibilities are endless and are limited only by my imagination and my courage.

Anything could happen really..

Footsteps...

This is Olive. She's my Grandma and she died last month at the age of 92. She was an incredible woman in every way (yes - that is a donkey that she's holding!) and she taught me so much - most of which I am only just beginning to appreciate. 

Not only was my Granny incredibly bright (she was one of the first women to graduate from medicine at Liverpool university) but she was also excessively kind and indiscriminately so. She was honest and strong and grounded and never failed to see the funny side of life and of herself. She most certainly wasn't your average Granny. True, she cooked a wonderful Sunday roast, but she also took us hiking, taught us to dive and regularly thrashed us at scrabble. Then of course there were the unspoken, but far more important lessons; That women could be doctors AND mothers, that they could be smart and kind, that Grandmas could be sporty and energetic, that life is for living and every opportunity should be seized, and that we should never take ourselves too seriously.

While she taught me much about living she also taught me an awful lot about dying. My granny wasn't unwell, she was just old and tired and decided that it was time to go.  She understood that she was leaving us and she was content. She was looking forward to a release from all the frustrations and limitations of old age and eager to be reunited with my grandpa. She wasn't afraid of dying which, to me at least, is something of a mindbogglingly admirable feat. I suppose that is a true sign of having lived a long and meaningful life. But the most wonderful thing about her being at peace with this was that it allowed us an opportunity to say goodbye, and to say thank you.

Reflecting on my grandmother's life has got me wondering what sort of person I will be remembered as.  This 'wondering' inevitably leads me to the rather depressing conclusion that I have a long, long way to go before I could be content with my contribution to the world, let alone proud of it.  Looking at yourself honestly, seeing yourself as you truly are and acknowledging all of your faults and weaknesses is never a pleasurable task, but it is a hopeful one and one that makes me determined to do better.  Granny has left us with the most wonderful footsteps to follow in and all we can do now is look to her example and try our best.

Goodbye Granny. We're going to miss you enormously.

An Adventure

Nick and I just returned from a week of Snowboarding in Japan. It was a wonderful holiday - we got to indulge in 5 days of snowboarding which we both LOVE, we explored Tokyo and caught up with some dear friends from back home in England. And.. we did it without the children.

I can't tell you what a big deal it was for me to leave our little ones for 10 whole days. Back in November when we decided to go it seemed like a great idea! I mean, who wouldn't love the idea of 10 days free from changing nappies, wrangling exhausted children, cooking, cleaning, getting up at 6 am and generally being a slave to the whims of 2 very cute, but very demanding, little people? Just imagine… Only needing to think about yourself, not having to wrestle children into shoes and coats, not having to plan your day around nap times and 7pm bedtimes, being able to sleep in, being able to have a hangover in peace! Sounds amazing right? Yet as our departure drew nearer I started to think about what it really meant to be leaving my little ones and I found that i couldn't really look forward to going away because I was so focussed on worrying about leaving. Was I just being amazingly selfish by taking this holiday? Were they going to be miserable without us? Aren't they much too young for me to leave just yet? Were they going to end up traumatised? I just felt so guilty about the whole thing. 

I (foolishly) found myself searching the web for stories from other people who had travelled without their young children and while I found a few wonderful and inspiring articles on the subject, they were invariably followed by comments such as "if you feel the need to get away from your children then perhaps you're not doing it right" and "...selfish and bizzare. Why bother having kids? They only get in the way of your Jetset lifestyle after all…"

Are they right? Am I horrible mother? Am I damaging my children by deciding to make this trip (that they absolutely would not enjoy) without them?

No.

Departure day arrived and we drove the kids to Nannie and Grandpa's, gave them lots of cuddles, told them how much we loved them and waved goodbye as we drove off. Were there any tears? Tonnes - but only from me! I've never had such a cheerful and enthusiastic send off! The kids were super excited about their 'holiday' with Nannie and Grandpa and waved and shouted the loudest and happiest 'good-bye's' and 'I love you's' that I've ever heard. Of course that only made me cry even more in the car on the way to the airport.. "poor little monkey's have no idea that we're abandoning them for 10 whole days!…"

But guess what. Nick and I went off and enjoyed ourselves, we had a great time, we forgot all about being 'mummy and daddy', we got to focus on ourselves and each other for a change and came back feeling truly rested and refreshed and full of love and patience for our sweet children. 

The funniest thing is that I don't actually think they missed us at all (well, I'm sure they missed us a little - I'm going to tell myself that anyway) but certainly not to the point where they were upset about us not being there. And while the Internet Trolls would probably tell you that that's because my children are simply used to not having my love and attention, because I clearly neglect them and don't care about them at all, I'm going to tell you something different. I'm going to tell you that I'm proud of them and proud of myself to have been able to foster such a secure attachment in my children that they don't feel the need to have me nearby 24/7. That they feel confident in my love for them and are happy to know that I will always come back. That they are independent little people who are happy and willing to have their own adventures without me breathing down their necks.

I'm also immensely thankful to have such a wonderful family which whom Ella and Jacob feel so comfortable, safe and loved. We are all hugely grateful to them - without their support we could never have even considered this great adventure.

Thank you my darling husband for convincing me to take this trip. I had so much fun and loved spending time just with you. I love you as much today as I did the first time we kissed in the snow all those years ago. Xxx

Not one of the better days...

Thank goodness for 7 o'clock.  There were moments today when it thought it might never arrive - not before I lost my sanity anyway.  Today was not one of the better days.  Today a one year old and a three year old made me cry.  Not my proudest moment but there it is.  Today was one of those days where I spent the entire afternoon trying to tidy up the house while the kids simultaneously tried to destroy it (and each other). Not to mention all the time I spent cooking a delicious meal for them (it actually was delicious - I should know, I was the only one who ate it!) which just met with shouts of 'YUCKY' and 'NO LIKE IT' and was thrown on the floor. And that's not to mention all the whining and nagging and throwing of toys and hitting and kicking and crying that I had to endure..

Maybe I should have just given up and turned on the TV and let them eat cheese for dinner. Maybe I should have let them go hungry and roll around in their own filth. Maybe (probably) it was all my fault, maybe (probably) I should have just stopped stressing out and gone with the flow - after all in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter if the house looks like it exploded, or if the kids threw their dinner on the floor. It would have been a much better result if i was sitting here now in the middle of a total pigsty and feeling happy, rather than sitting here feeling miserable and guilty about how grumpy I was this afternoon and how many times I shouted at them (with absolutely no effect).

Maybe today was always going to be a disaster. Maybe it's a full moon, or a new moon or whatever the hell it's supposed to be that causes usually good, sweet children to turn feral for a day. 

It's just that days like these make me feel like I'm failing as a parent. They are the days that make me think 'Oh My God. What am I doing? I'm ruining my kids' lives and my own!' And as a parent that's pretty much one of the worst feelings you can have.

I know what I need to do. I need to take a deep breath and just let it all go. Forgive myself and forgive the little ones (who are, after all, just little ones.) Sounds so simple doesn't it, but somehow it's just not that easy. 

I can't even think properly anymore. My brain is fuddled. I'm a shell of my former self. Sod it. I'm going to pour myself a big glass of wine and stare at the wall for a while until i feel able to function again. 

At least tomorrow will be a new day.

Rockpools

How much fun can you have with a pinecone? Well, let me tell you. Hours and hours if you throw in a rock pool and a swim ring (well, half an hour at least !) It goes a bit like this; Throw pinecone into water. Try to make as big a splash as possible. Squeal with glee as the pinecone bobs back up to the surface. Fetch pine cone. Repeat.

We had a lovely day at the beach today. We had been hoping to attempt our first camping trip with 2 kids this weekend but every beachside campsite within a 2 hour drive of Melbourne was full - every single one! I suppose that's what happens during school summer holidays in a country that loves both camping AND the beach. So we had to content ourself with a day trip. We still managed to tick all the boxes; swimming till lips turned blue, building sandcastles, jumping on sandcastles, watching boats and kite surfers, kicking the football on the beach, eating sand, fish and chips...

It was a really nice way to end a week which has been a little bit difficult but very enlightening for me. One of those weeks where you simply get fed up with the way things are (work wise in this case), where you feel squashed and despondent and miserable, until that wonderful moment when you realise that if things aren't right then perhaps it would be a good idea to do something to try to make them right instead of just feeling sorry for yourself and moaning about it to anyone and everyone. 

I'm usually a very optimistic person (sometimes to the point of stupidity) so to spend a few days feeling hopeless about something is really quite an unpleasant experience for me, but it's amazing how great it feels to suddenly have that weight lifted and to know that you did it all on your own and simply by changing your attitude.

The other positive aspect of having a less than enjoyable week at work is that it made me enjoy my days at home with the little ones all the more. I felt especially grateful to have those days to spend with them and we had a lot of fun just hanging out together - i really must try to hang on to that particular mindset!

For our friends

The weekend before christmas we took a trip down the coast to stay at a little beach house with some of our  friends. I wasn't sure if we should go with it being so close to christmas and with so many things to do to get ready for it, but i'm so, so glad we did.  We had such a great time - the weather was hopeless but it didn't matter in the slightest! We spent our time playing on the beach in the rain, building sandcastles and flying kites, splashing in the waves and swimming till our lips turned blue. We went on adventures through the sand dunes - climbed them, jumped off the tops, rolled down the sides, even surfed down on body boards. We went beach combing for shells and rocks and seaweed. We walked through (seemingly) gale force winds and rain and returned home for hot chocolate and mince pies. My friend and I went for a run along the beach every morning and then then impulsively plunged fully (well, semi) clothed into the icy sea and had to walk home soaking wet - although since it was raining anyway it made little difference!

In the evenings we cooked lovely dinners and ate far too much, then played cards and drank too much wine and sat giggling like school kids (apparently!) We watched purple sunsets and thunderstorms from the deck. We got woken far too early by the little ones and drank copious amounts of tea to try and get our sleepy heads functioning each morning.

I could quite literally go on and on listing all the little things we did - suffice to say that we loved every minute. Best of all though, our little weekend away reminded me that christmas isn't about the cooking and shopping and gifts, but about friends and family and this year I am feeling particularly blessed on that count.

So today I want to say a big Thank You to Annalise, Jordan, Fin and Brea, not only for inviting us to join them on their holiday but simply for being our friends and enriching our lives in lots of tiny ways. 

xxx

Running

Running, running, running...

As you might have guessed, I've started running. I'm not really one for running - I don't mind exercise in general - I'll happily ride half an hour to and from work each day, I love going for a walk or a swim, but running? No thanks. It's just not my thing. I may have even been heard to say (perhaps a little rashly) that I would rather stick pins in my eyes than go for a run. And yet here I am. Running.

It's just that it's gotten to the point where I either have to do something drastic or stop eating cake, and given that not eating cake is simply NOT AN OPTION, I decided to do something drastic. I won't bore you with the details but I came to the conclusion that running is the best solution for me at the moment. Several of my friends had recommended the 'Couch to 5K' app (unless I have someone - or in this case something (Johnny the Zombie - "Braaaaains…..") telling me to start running NOW, it simply won't happen) and so that is what I'm doing. 

So. I ordered hubby to be home from work by 5.30 so that he could get the little ones ready for bed in my absence, I laced up my exceptionally old trainers, I set 'Pink' playing on my iPhone (don't judge me OK? It's good running music..) and set off. And do you know what? I actually enjoyed it! It might be hard to say whether it was really the exercise that I enjoyed, or that fact that I was quite literally running away from the house that contained my two lovely, but often exhausting, little children and all their accompanying mess and destruction. I don't suppose it really matters in any case. I did some exercise, got some fresh air, mentally recharged my batteries and came home happy and feeling perfectly justified in having a glass of wine, a bowl of pasta and some chocolate.. Happy Days.

Travelling with Kids

Sri Lanka.  We had an amazing time. It was so wonderful to have two whole weeks to explore this beautiful country, to lose ourselves in the crazy cities, soak up the culture and the history and marvel at the sheer breathtaking beauty of the countryside. It was particularly special to spend time with family, not just our little family of four, but also with my mum, and my sister and her husband who all flew from England to meet us.

While it really was a fantastic trip, there's no getting away from the fact that travelling with small children is hard work. Not because they were they were being difficult - I actually think that they coped with the long flight, time difference, change in temperature and culture shock exceptionally well - but simply because catering to their needs, interests, food, and sleep requirements is all that much more difficult away from home, in a different culture and during days where we are trying to pack in as much as possible - often without allowing time for a nice refreshing nap.

When I'm daydreaming about an upcoming holiday I always imagine that It's going to be like It was before kids - lying by the pool, relaxing with a book and a cold drink. The reality is, of course, very different. Lying by the pool is more like lifeguard duty; I make no progress through my book because I am constantly being distracted by the inane (but very cute) chatter of a talkative 3 year old, occasionally muttering 'Is that right?', 'Really?', 'Oh that's lovely', 'Yes, ok then' - a dangerous thing to do really as I frequently find myself agreeing to things without knowing what they are - 'Did I just agree that she could have cake for breakfast?!'. My lovely, cool poolside drink gets guzzled by children - or has little fingers put in it - or is spilt - or gets some 'yummy' sand sprinkled in it and all the time I am being splashed or nagged to 'come and play with me' or 'watch what I can do!'

Couple all of this with the fact that they most probably will remember nothing about the holiday and you may very well ask 'Why on earth would you bother?!' Why spend all that money and time and effort? I certainly asked myself that very question more than a few times. But I suppose the answer is in these photographs. Because after the trip is over we forget all those exhausting, difficult, frustrating moments and are left quite simply with some beautiful memories. And even if Ella and Jacob are too young to remember anything specific, I'm confident at least that exposing them to different places, cultures and ways of life most definitely will have a positive influence on them. I believe it will help them on the way to becoming tolerant, informed, broadminded people. That the things they have seen and experienced will provide us with a huge array of things to talk about and discuss. That they will have a better understanding of the world and all the amazing things in it.  And besides, in between the exhausting moments we did have a LOT of fun.

Telly Addict

I had a revelation this evening. Actually it's a revelation that i've had several times but somehow I don't seem to be able to remember it (a bit like knowing that alcohol gives you hang overs but drinking it anyway...) It's that I am quite simply a much happier person when i can resist the temptation to turn on the TV. 

It's such an easy thing to do. You know how it is - you've had a tiring day at work or with the kids and it's the easiest thing in the world to just turn on the telly and sink onto the sofa  - there to remain until you decide that you really must drag your sorry ass into bed.

This evening though I summoned up all my will power and refused to let it entice me. I put on some music and danced around the house while i cleared away the dinner things and packed up the kids toys. I got myself organised for tomorrow and wrote some lists (I love lists. Well, I love making them and crossing things off them anyway. I sometimes write things that i've already done at the top of my list just so that i can cross them off... Perhaps that's a little too much sharing - you'll think i'm crazy!) I made a little mobile for one of my friend's new babies. I turned my thoughts to christmas for the first time and came up with some lovely hand made gift ideas. All of which left me feeling inspired and full of optimism and excitement. 

It's only when I turn off the TV that I realise how much time there really is in the evening. So much more time that i can spend fulfilling my own wishes - doing the things that matter to me; writing to friends, sewing, editing my photos, planing fun projects to do with the kids, improving my french, going for a run (I'm going to start, I am), talking to my husband, cooking together, laughing together, even just snuggling on the sofa together with our books. All these lovely things which get shunted to one side just so that we can 'zone out' infront of the TV for a couple of hours. 

And absolutely the best part of this is that when i know i have a few hours a day to dedicate absolutely to myself i feel so much more able to be fully present with the little ones during the day. I don't spend time my time thinking about other things I want to be doing, or worse trying to get something done which the children have no interest in and having us all get frustrated and grumpy. The day is for them (or perhaps is should say us) and the evening is for me. I've always been a bit of an introvert and i really do need some quality 'me time' every so often or everyone suffers! 

So i'm going to make a proposal. I will not watch any TV for the rest of the month of November. Lets see if I can once and for all get my head around the fact that life is more fun without TV. I'm going to stick to it, i really am. I realise that i also said i was going to embrace Buy Nothing New Month which didn't really happen, but that was mostly because we went on holiday for a big chunk of October so i didn't really have the chance to get into it. That and the fact that I really like lovely stuff. Oh dear, i'm begining to suspect i might be a bit flakey. I'd better do better with No TV Month...

I'd like to thank Pink, Meg McElwee and Baileys for getting me off my lazy ass.  

I'll leave you with a picture of this lovely Sri Lankan Sunset. 

Holiday photos and posts coming soon!